Understanding Bonding & Attachment

David Coleman on the difference between bonding and attachment and how to best instil a sense of security in your child

iMoo's Clinical Psychologist David Coleman on bonding and attachment.
At times we talk about bonding and attachment to our children as if they were interchangeable and meaning the same thing. Interestingly, though, bonding is more properly about our relationship with our baby or infant, from the adult point of view. Attachment refers to the baby’s relationship with us from its perspective.

Falling in love with your baby...

Bonding is usually a very quick process and refers to the “tie” between a parent and their child and forms the basis for the permanent connection we develop. Bonding usually occurs in the minutes, hours and days after birth. In the moments after birth a woman’s oxytocin levels are the highest they will ever be in her life. This so-called happy hormone will help her to ‘fall in love’ with her newborn baby.

Babies have evolved another means to win over their dads; both boys are girls are born looking more like their fathers!

Indeed, a mother is physiologically primed to bond with her baby – and fathers can sometimes feel left out of the love-in…they don’t have the potent effects of feel-good hormones sweeping through their bodies. To counter this, babies have evolved another means to win over their dads; both boys are girls are born looking more like their fathers! Attachment, on the other hand is a process that takes more time and occurs over the first few years of a baby’s life. Attachment is built up on the basis of a parent’s responses to their baby’s needs for care, comfort and security.

The most important way to instil security of attachment is to be reliable

Babies usually get described as having “secure” or “insecure” attachment. Secure attachment refers to the relationship a baby has with parents that it can rely upon to consistently and warmly meet its needs. Insecure attachment refers to an anxious or unpredictable relationship that develops between a baby and its parent. Insecurely attached babies will often be extremely fretful, withdrawn, anxious and wary of the world. The most important way to instil security of attachment is to be reliable in providing comfort, security and support to a child. We do this by meeting their basic needs in terms of things like food, sleep and play. That means that we have to be responsive to them.

Responding to your baby's needs...

It is really important, for example, to respond to crying especially in babies less than six month olds. They have no way to express their need other than to cry and so we have to use their cry as a signal to work out what it is that they are missing. Most of us get quite good at differentiating cries; like a “tiredness” cry, or a “hungry” cry or an “I want company” cry. Other great ways of connecting to your baby (and crucially letting them connect to you) are touching, holding, talking to and playing with them. By doing these things your baby will feel recognised, noticed, loved and again, responded to. That gives them the confidence that you can be relied upon. Once they have this secure base, in you, they can go and explore their world safe in the knowledge that you will still be there to make everything better if needed.